KIMAHRI’S MAGICAL TALE OF VII
by Silver Neko
Summary: Kimahri of FF 10 tells the tale of FF 7. Time to solve the mystery of Nibelheim!
1. Cloud Guy hates you

KIMAHRI'S MAGICAL TALE OF VII  
  
~Mwahahahahahaha! Upon the hapless Final Fantasy 7 section, I force this malformed child of a fic! Why? Because I'm bored and want to bother you people in the FF7 section. Teehee. This is the story of Final Fantasy 7 told by the lovable Kimahri, the Ronso Blue Mage (SLASH!) Dragoon from FF 10. I like slash and all of its many meanings. I feel so bubbly from all of the flames I'm going to get! Whee! Unless you people somehow enjoy the madness of Kimahri's broken grammar. Yay.~ Silver Neko, Assaulting your Mako reactor when your not looking.  
  
"Kimahri no want to do this. Kimahri NO want to tell crazy story about Cloud guy and wacky adventures with Materia. But Kimahri have to or Kimahri will be pummeled by various people who think the way Kimahri talk am funny. This hurts Kimahri's feelings. Kimahri not talking like this to be funny! Kimahri BORN like this! Oh well. Time for big talkie story time.  
  
Once upon a time, their am planet called...planet. It true! People always call it "The planet" or "Our planet" and one time Kimahri think someone call it "Earth" but that just big word for dirt. Kimahri knows nothing.   
  
In "The planet" there am special juice called "Mako". Mako was like blood of planet. It also all glowey. One day, people of planet decide to stick tubes in planet and pump Mako to use as fuel for stuff. Like trains and toasters and pie. People liked Mako much better than "Coal". What am coal? Kimahri don't know yet. But it not good for eats.   
  
Another fun thing that am made from Mako am "Materia". It small glass ball made from..big word coming up...COMPRESSED (That big word!) Mako. Materia could do many many thingies. Green ones could let anyone with brain bigger than dust particles ('nother big word! Kimahri on a roll!) use magical magic to rain death and doom upon annoying neighbors.   
  
Blue Materia could "support" things. What things? Kimahri don't know. Kimahri hope this not like suspenders or something. Uhh...Kimahri no know what color "Independent" Materia am. Pity Kimahri for Kimahri's lack of smart juices. Red Materia (Kimahri's favorite kind!) could Summon monsters like Yuna do. Now you ask Kimahri, "Kimahri, where did these people stick these round orbs of endless talents?" and Kimahri answers, "In various places, such as armor designed to hold Materia or Bracelets and even in-between ones boobies, assuming they had boobies. Teehee".  
  
Anyway, sucking blood from ANYTHING usually not no good. So now planet was becoming all dead like. So a craaaazy man (He was crazy) with GUN for hand decided to fight the power and start the POWER RANGERS! Wait, no...he make group of under age peoples and start AVALANCHE! Yay. He make secret lair under a bar in slums under big city called Midgar. Gun man's big plan was to make all the Mako sucky things around the city explode in fiery balls of death and debris. Whee.  
  
BUT, Gun man still lack man power to pull off suicide dream. So he hire scary Cloud guy with big ass sword to help kill things that needed to stop being alive. Cloud guy was very mean and spooky, thank you very much. So now story can REALLY begin.  
  
AVALANCHE team of SUPER JUSTICE take train from stinky slums (Slums are stinky) and go up to city to make Mako "Reactor" explode for super fun. When train stop at place of Mako sucky, AVALANCHE team of TRUTH AND GLORY pop out and kill guards. Gun man yell at Cloud guy to hurry up because he just taking his time walking and looking all forsaken. That ALSO big word.  
  
So AVALANCHE team of SUPER GOODNESS hack into computers and whatnot and get past many doors. After many killings and runnings, Cloud guy and potty mouthed Gun man make it to center of reactor and set bomb of doom. Suddenly spooky voice talk to Cloud guy and say....things. This annoy and perhaps frighten Cloud guy. Suddenly alarm goes off and evil robot death bug come for Gun man and Cloud guy's souls. That suck.  
  
After magical battle, Cloud guy and AVALANCHE team of LOVE AND PEACE run run run like a fat man from Jenny Greg because they only have 10 minutes to flee before evil reactor explodes, incinerating all life around it. Yaaay. Yes, they DO escape and reactor explodes like melon in the jaws of melon loving Crocodile.   
  
Afterwards, Gun man who have anger management problems order AVALANCHE team of RECYCLING TO KEEP OUR PARKS RODENT FREE to split up meet at train station. So Cloud guy walk off while thinking how much he hate anything that have set of lungs, when he find Flower girl who fall over because she have no center of gravity. She ask him about why reactor am exploady and he all like "Enngg, social contact...IT BURNS!" Yeah, it pretty funny. So she force him to buy purdy flower and he run off to escape the madness.  
  
Because life suck for Cloud guy (Like it suck for Kimahri) poopy law men come and yell at Cloud guy and wave their shiny badges around. They corner poor Cloud guy, but then trains save the day! Cloud guy leap onto train that JUST HAPPEN to be heading for slums! Convenient! Cloud guy leap into train and scare bajesus out of Man with gun for an appendage. Gun man then proceed to swear at Cloud guy and homeless bum who live in train and at pidgin who make nest in train who lives off of air molecules.  
  
When train arrive at slums, Gun man STILL screaming obscenities that am directly aimed at poor confused pidgin. Then team all head off for secret hideout that am under bar. Person Who RUN bar am Chick with big Boobs. From now on Kimahri shall refer to her as Boob chick. Yay. Also in bar am little girl who am daughter of Gun man...but wait. If Gun man is African American (Kimahri is politically correct! Yay!) and little girl am not...then...KIMAHRI'S BRAIN BURNING LIKE CHICKEN WINGS! That really painful, but Kimahri is more then over it now."  
  
~Yay. First chapter done. When ever I get the brilliant idea to write a story about the plot of a FF game with Kimahri narrating in his fractured English, I say to myself, "You know that by the third chapter your going to hate yourself and your traitor of a brain." Yes, its something like that. Anyway....I've lost the will to draw so now I need to write..things. And Kimahri is funny since he talks silly. If you don't get this shit then read my two other Kimahri fics and you'll understand the insanity. Yay for you.~ Silver Neko, she wasn't THAT surprised when what's her named got stabbed by the spooky guy. 


	2. Gun Man swears at you

KIMAHRI'S MAGICAL TALE OF VII  
  
~Did ya know that the reason I ever even got a copy of FF 7 was because many years ago, one horrible Easter, I realized I needed a gift for my eeeeeevil brother, Mr. Pink. So I snagged a copy of FF 7 and a guide for it and crammed it into his Easter basket in the dead of night. WHY did I think it was such a great idea? Because when I had got my self a copy of the "Game Brain" video (Which mysteriously disappeared many years ago. I'm looking for a new one on EBAY! YAY!) I saw the neat guide to Seven along with the guide to Oddworld: Abe's Oddysee (Which was the reason I got the tape) and thought it would be peachy. But my bastard brother did no not like my gift and I ended up playing it, with the help of my Gameshark of DOOM. Teehee.~ Silver Neko, digging in trash in the Sector 7 Slums.   
  
"Before Kimahri continue horrible story, Kimahri want to say that Kimahri found out what color Independent Material am! It PURPLE! Kimahri's soul has been saved! Now it time for more story. Yay.   
  
Cloud guy give flower he buy from Flower girl to Boob chick. She all smilely. Gun man scream for everyone to head down to secret lair under bar by way of pinball machine. But first Cloud guy drink alcohol to ease the pain of human contact. He then take pinball machine (SLASH!) elevator downstairs.   
  
AVALANCHE team of SEIZURE INDUCING KITTENS find out that they on TV. YAY! But evil President of evil corporation or whatever the hell he president of, say that AVALANCHE team of FREE LOVE am bad terrorists with no souls that must be hunted down like dogs they so am. Gun man then screech at Cloud guy for some reason. Hey, Kimahri just telling you what happen, Kimahri lack the courage to make up own story of death and doom.   
  
It seem that Cloud guy once was member of evil corporation or whatever. Gun man still not very comfy around him and junk. Boob chick come and yell at Gun man not to yell at Cloud guy and soon everyone yelling about something that am equally stupid. Cloud guy then bellow something incomprehensible and run out of room back upstairs.  
  
Before Cloud guy can escape through door to salvation, Boob chick stop him and remind him about promise he make when he and Boob chick were bite size. In Ronso terms, that mean when they kids. Thank you very much. Kid version of Cloud guy make promise to Kid version of Boob chick that if he ever become SOLDIER (JOIN TODAY OR STOP BREATHING!) then he would protect Boob chick FOREVER. He might as well just promised to marry her instead. It the same thing.  
  
So poor stupid and now much older Cloud guy need to stay or else his traitor of a heart will make him feel pain for the remainder of time, and stop pumping blood to brain. Teehee. So then Cloud guy DEMAND PAYMENT or he would hold his breath until he die. Kimahri try to do that once. Kimahri fail horribly. Cloud guy then demand payment for NEXT mission. Gun man cry because he need that money for Little Girl who he CLAIM am daughter's education. At least he good father, unlike Kimahri's. Gun man end up giving college funds to Cloud man and ruining Little Girl's future. This secretly please Cloud guy.   
  
Then everyone go to sleep. Yes, right there on the floor. What? It funny?  
  
Next morning, Gun man try to tell Cloud guy how to use Materia, But Cloud man just glare at him and take sip of coffee. Cloud guy hate mornings. Cloud guy hate reality called "Being awake". Cloud guy hate everything. Cloud guy then go shopping and beat up annoying brat who call him old man. Later, AVALANCHE team of JOY TO THE WORLD, Boob chick and Cloud guy hop in train and head off to Mako reactor 5 for explodey fun.  
  
Uh oh. It seem that evil corporation move check point for train. AVALANCHE of GLEE must run now or die. They hop off SPEEDING TRAIN and then have to crawl through filthy tunnels to get to Reactor. Ick. To make long horrible story short, they get to reactor and reach reactor core. Suddenly Cloud guy have...FLASH BACK! He see Boob chick with hat crying over bloody corpse of dead papa and swearing to avenge papa's death. Yay. Oh and something about guy who killed Papa: Spooky Dude.   
  
Cloud man quickly forget about that and then set bomb of doom and AVALANCHE team of KIMAHRI'S HEAD HURT FROM THINKING OF THINGS TO PUT AFTER AVALANCHE run run run like Monkey from Steamroller. After many many puzzles and stuff, Horrible Corporation president show up with SOLDER's. It a trap! Gun man yell about environmental issues but President just giggle like little piggy he am. He then sic his evil Air robot on hapless Gun man, Boob chick and Cloud man who give him the finger as hard as he can.  
  
Gun man, Boob chick and Cloud man quickly make Air robot not alive anymore, but it then explode. Poor Cloud man stuck hanging from metal thing for dear life. He look very, very worried. He then fall to his horrible death while Boob chick cry like little rain cloud. Gun man secretly sing happy song in his head, even though he feel guilty about it.  
  
~Ya know, reason I like to write with Kimahri is because it comes so easily to mind how Kimahri would say things. That and if I make a REAL grammar error, people will just assume it's just Kimahri's way of talking. I WIN EITHER WAY! GWAHAHAHA! And for you who have not played 7 (HEATHENS!) this not the end of the story. Doi. That would make it the shortest and most unfulfilling game...EVER. Oh yeah, it was Mr. Pinks idea to write the heathen thing. Kill him, not me.~ Silver Neko, leader of the SILVER HAWKS (Actually, I don't really like that show none to much.)....CHICKEN WINGS! 


	3. Boob Chick punches you

KIMAHRI'S MAGICAL TALE OF VII  
  
~My spine hurts and my Birthday is this Wednesday. I'm probably going to get crappy gifts. I WANT A COPY OF TAIL OF THE SUN! Is that SO wrong? God seems against me owning that game. Anyways....thanks 'fo the reviews. I'm glad that I'm not entirely hated by the population of planet Earth. Ya know, I get so many questions of where I get my inspiration from. The majority of the time its from my brother who is usually complaining about losing his games and saying that he's going to write a anonymous letter to the companies saying, "Hey, that's so not cool" and how its all a conspiracy by the monkeys. God I wish I hadn't of just eaten that Pizza.~ Silver Neko, threat to mankind.  
  
"So you think Cloud guy splatter of blood and fat on sidewalk now, huh? HUH?! Well much to Kimahri's surprise, Cloud guy wake up safe and sound on patch of flowers growing in church house. Now Kimahri must nitpick. HOW can fragile human body survive 2 thousand mile fall (and one must remember that the longer one falls, the faster the velocity of the fall gets) by crashing through badly shingled roof and landing on malnourished flowers? It NO can happen! Unless flowers am magic. And Kimahri suppose they am.  
  
ANYWAY, first thing Cloud guy see am Flower Girl who sell him flower. NO REFUNDS! Flower girl introduce herself and all am well. After much talkie about things that are spoken with words, somehow, SOMEHOW Cloud guy end up as bodyguard of Flower Girl. Kimahri not see THAT one coming. SUDDENLY....Jerk men infiltrate Church! Leader of Jerk men: Jerk man #1, want to steal Flower girl and perform horrible tests on her. HORRIBLE tests.  
  
Cloud guy scream something about God hating him and then grab Flower girl and flee. Jerk man #1 have fit and stomp on flowers. Cloud guy and flower girl run up stairs but somehow Flower girl fall down icky pipe and at mercy of greasy icky jerk men. Cloud guy then proceed to pummel Jerk men with barrels. Cloud then snag Flower girl and leap out of Church.  
  
While Cloud guy and Flower Girl crawl through sharp pointy and rusty garbage, Flower girl explain how Evil corporation try to kidnap her for evil ways. So Cloud guy take her back home to Sector 5 slums, which Kimahri think look cooler then sector 7. Yes. Flower girl's home look amazingly clean and hobo free. When Cloud guy meet Flower Girl's mommy she tell him to flee their house in the dead of night or she would become upset. So Cloud guy take nap in nice clean bed while having horrible dreams of ravaged childhood. Whee.   
  
So in middle of night, Cloud guy slowly walk, NOT run, out of house and to path to sector 6 slums. But silly Cloud guy! Flower girl right their waiting for him! Cloud guy feel like crying. So poor Cloud guy stuck with Flower girl. They walk through wreckage and reach old playground where Flower girl force Cloud guy to frolic with her. When Kimahri says frolic, Kimahri means play, not other filthy yet pleasurable activities. Kehehehe...   
  
But in the midst of their play, a Chocobo drawn wagon appeare with Boob chick in back of it. Cloud guy felt compelled to follow it because his heart was threatening to destroy all the red blood cells in his body if he didn't. Flower girl instantly felt jealous. So they went to super fun Wall market. This best place in world! It have rampant prostitution and whore house. WHEE!  
  
Thanks to Cloud guys amazing negotiating skills, they find out that Boob chick was taken to PIMP MAN'S MANSION (Kimahri think there a game named that) to be "Interviewed" by Pimp Man. Kimahri like the way this story going! So to save Boob chick from being violated, Cloud guy charge into mansion. But he find out that only girls am allowed in. So Flower girl come up with SUPER WOW GOOD plan to dress Cloud guy up like chick so he get in unnoticed. Sure, Cloud guy could just barge in am slaughter all who oppose him, but he obviously like doing things the hard way.  
  
PREPARE FOR INCREDIBLY LONG PROCESS OF HOW CLOUD GUY BECAME FEMALE!  
  
First, Cloud guy and Flower girl stop at dress shop but find out they cannot get dress in Cloud guy's size because owner of shop not inspired to sew not no more and spend days now in drunken depression in local bar. So Flower girl and Cloud guy flee to bar and try to talk to Drunken failure of a man that Owner of shop so am. Flower girl whisper to Shop owner that Cloud guy am cross dresser who like to feel pretty and likes it up the ass. Naughty Flower girl! Bwahahaha! So this inspire Dress man to make dress. They order "Silk dress" and then realize they need wig to cover Cloud guy's abomination of hair. Dress man say to go to gym for fake hair. Huh?   
  
So they head off for Gym and find that owner of gym ALSO like to feel pretty. He say he give wig to Cloud guy IF he beat one of Gym man's students in Squatting contest. Ewww. So Cloud guy easily win and get "Blond wig" from Gym man. He also narrowly avoid getting ass fondled. He no trust smile of Gym man's face.  
  
Cloud guy then think he have what am needed to be woman, but Flower girl say he need MORE! So she drag him back to bar and they talk to man who do Peepee dance while in line for toilet. Fat woman who am in toilet have DIARRHEA. FLEE FROM THE STINK! Conveniently, while Flower girl and Cloud guy am having lunch at local restaurant, they get free coupon for medicine store. Yay! So, thinking of scourge to planet that woman in toilet am, they get Poop stoppy medicine and give it to her. She then give Cloud guy "Sexy Cologne" so he feel sexy, which from this angle, he am NOT.  
  
So then Cloud guy think to self, "I hate all sentient creatures" uh...and also that he and Flower girl should buy some Materia. So at Materia shop, Materia selling man ask Cloud guy and Flower girl if they do favor for Materia selling man. Just as Cloud guy was about to go into a three hour long marathon of swearing and screaming why he hate being alive, Flower girl tell Selling man of Materia that they would yes do thing for him. Cloud guy then run out door screaming about rupturing bowels. So super selling man tell Flower girl to spend night at Inn and buy "Special" item from vending machine there. The reason he no do it himself is that there am people there who want to smash him dead.  
  
So Flower girl then go hunt down Cloud guy who am making threats on life of statue of cat, and drag him to hotel where he make sure they have separate beds despite Flower girl's objections. Naughty NAUGHTY Flower girl! Kimahri like how you think! To bad Flower girl have to...oh wait, Kimahri getting ahead of Kimahri's self. So in middle of night, Cloud guy get thing from Vending machine which turns out to be really gay and they give it to Materia selly man. Seller of Materia so happy that he give them "Diamond Tiara" and then shoo them out of shop.  
  
~SILVER NEKO'S CONVERSATION WITH BROTHER, MR. PINK AS HE WALKS BY: "What'cha doing?" asks Mr. Pink "I'm writing Final Fantasy Seven through the eyes of Kimahri." Says Silver Neko triumphantly. "But he wasn't EVEN THERE!" "But he's narrating it, so technically he WAS there" Silver Neko points out. "But they were two comp-pah-leet-lee different games! Unless he was Red 13 in disguise...which he looks like....sub-speeeesh-ass-lee." Mr. Pink says as he rubs his sunburned chin. Silver Neko, disgusted with her brothers dashy talk and his disgrace to the Final Fantasy character designers, decides that he must pay for his ignorance, because Red Thirteen looks nothing like Kimahri even though they both have feathers and are assumed to be cats and they did not get lazy when designing him, by ignoring Mr. Pink until dinner. END!~   
  
So THEN Cloud guy and Flower girl run into man who give them Member card to WHORE HOUSE OF BEES because he just realize that he like men and run off to gym while Confuzzled Cloud guy and Flower girl just stare. Cloud guy then make break for Bee house of Whores and Flower girl try to stop him but she is then swarmed with lonely and horny men. Haha! So Cloud guy go inside and am greeted by Hot looking bee girl who Cloud guy will be screwing this evening. YEAH! But first, Cloud guy peep into "Occupied" rooms but finds only insane people who talk and do nothing of interest to hormone riddled Cloud guy.  
  
So Cloud guy chose room that have symbols like "&$#*%@" for name. Just as Cloud guy was about to get what Cloud man SO deserve after a LIFETIME of suffering, Cloud guy's conscience took on physical form and then proceeded to belittle and then try to stab Cloud guy. Cloud guy scream like little girl being chased by dirty old man with camera and fainted. Cloud guy then awake to savage beating by man in TIGHT SHORTS! AAAAHH! Bee whore say sorry, but time up! No loving for Cloud guy. Awww. But he give him her Lingerie so it not THAT bad. Cloud guy then get makeover from Bee girls in dressing room. HE FEEL PRETTY!  
  
Cloud guy then go outside to find that Flower girl has made a killing selling flowers to luv deprived men. Yay. So after explaining again and AGAIN that Cloud guy STILL am a virgin to Flower girl, they head back to Dress shop to dress up into: PRETTY LADY CLOUD GUY, WAI! Everyone in shop then tease Cloud guy on his attire. Cloud guy fought down urge to kill and for first time, won. Flower girl try on dress SHE buy, and guess what? Cloud guy am prettier girl than she! This am nothing to be proud of. YAY! They then head off to Pimp mansion of Pimpness.   
  
Once in mansion of SMUT, Cloud guy and Flower girl explore and find Boob chick at bottom of stairs in torture chamber. Boob chick explain why she there and Kimahri know it a good reason but Kimahri am to sleepy to talk about it. Kimahri can't see Kimahri's hand anymore. The three females (Though one am male) am then called to PIMP MAN for interview time!"  
  
~Its chapter 3 and I now officially somewhat hate myself for this so called brilliant idea of a story. Yes, the above conversation between me and my brother did happen. I also, while typing it, accidentally spelled his name as "Mr. Oink" since O is right next to P. When he said "MR. OINK" outloud and pointed out my horrible error, I laughed and laughed while he stood their with his annoyed/murderous face. Twas funny. Thanks for the reviews, more soon. Not NOW but sooooon.~ Silver Neko, not of this Earth. 


	4. Flower Girl heals you

KIMAHRI'S MAGICAL TALE OF VII  
  
~Yes, magical tale....of magic! Sorry it took so long but "Kimahri Says" got deleted. And I'm also a slack bitch. Kingdom Hearts also isn't helping the problem.~ Silver Neko, feeling bloated for some reason.   
  
"So There they am: Cloud guy in drag, Boob chick and Flower girl, all standing in front of horrible horny THING that am Pimp Man. The funky horror. He do happy dance and pick who he want to do: Cloud guy (remember, he look like female of the species then!). Cloud guy let out silent scream of unfathomable spookiness as he was dragged into the bowels of Pimp man's bedroom. Flower girl and Boob chick are secretly amused by this.   
  
As Pimp man lay on bed and make very poor pick up line talky, Cloud guy think about sweet eternal slumber that am death. Then Flower girl and Boob chick burst into room before Cloud guy lose his anal innocence. Yay for Cloud guy! They then undress and redress (Much to Pimp man's glee) and then threaten to castrate Pimp person if he no talky. This fill Pimp man with great fear and he spill beans. He say he was hired by Evil Corporation to find AVALANCHE TEAM OF IMPENDING HUGS hideout.   
  
He say that Evil corporation would then destroy hideout by making support pillar of Sector 7 not there any more and smash slums to goo and fire. Kimahri going to make silly guess that this am bad thing. Just as trio of doom about to merrily on their way, Pimp man decide to be poopy and flush 'em into icky sewer. He then laugh and have heart failure. VICTORY! In sewer, Trio of doom get attacked by horrible dirty water monster with super flush attack of yuck juice. They make it not live not no more.   
  
They travel through horrible sewer until they enter equally horrible dead train place of death. After many annoying running arounds and Cloud guy yelling at sky for being there to mock him, they get out and am right next to Pillar for Slums. Uh oh! It seem that evil corporation there! AVALANCHE TEAM OF STUFF am fighting them for great justice! Cloud guy yell at Flower girl to go save Gun man's "daughter" from smashy doom. Flower girl obey! So Cloud guy and Boob chick climb up pillar and see that all of AVALANCHE TEAM OF NOT STAYING ALIVE am dead and dying. Whoohoo!  
  
At top, Gun man am feebly warding off forces of evil and monkeys. He happy/disappointed to see Cloud guy. Somewhere in-between. Oh no! It Jerk man #1 again! Gasp! He push shiny red button that start countdown of doom for pillar! When Cloud guy, Gun man and Boob chick make Jerk man #1 hurt with super no happy pain, he jump on Helicopter and show that he have Flower girl! He say somthing about her being "Ancient". Flower girl cry and say that Gun man's kid am with Flower girl's momma. Jerk man #1 the kick her in ribs. Cloud guy scream with agony because his emotion thingy is rupturing with emotion that am not hate, but something that burns with burning in his belly.  
  
Helicopter take off and there no way to stop horrible countdown. Gun man, Boob chick and Cloud guy jump on cable and swing to safety as Pillar explode and send chunk of city raining down on slums. DEATH FROM ABOVE! After daring escape from doom, Gun man cry and fire gun in random directions, killing off the few Pidgins who survived. Cloud Guy want to know more about "Ancient" thingy. SUDDENLY, he get head voices. He stop drop and roll until they go away. They head to Flower girl's house to find Gun man's kid am ok. They promise Flower mommy that they gunna save Flower girl. So Trio of Doom then decide to head for Wall market to decide what to do. There, they run into group of hooligan kids who lead them to cable that lead up to city. With convenient purchase of Batteries, Trio of Doom am able to climb up horrible cable of breezy wind that make Cloud guy's hair go into eyes and mouth, causing him to tumble to his doom, but then he get better.  
  
Once they reach top of thingy, they con-veen-yantly was at Evil corporation headquarters. Convenient! Cloud guy and Boob chick want to take the stairs. Gun man though, is lazy and violent AND the leader, so in a flurry of yelling and aiming various weapons at spooked employees, Trio of Doom enter evil corporation headquarters. After many fighting, they do Metal Gear style sneaky to reach the top of evil building. After MUCH MUCH MUCH stair walky/fighting, Cloud guy go into executive only bathroom and sneak into air duct. In air duct, Cloud guy spy on super secret meeting of corporate pigs who want to experiment on Flower girl. Oh! That sound dirty. When Cloud guy get out of and tell Gun man and Boob Chick, they get upset like a old lazy cat that's been picked up by 5 year old. That pretty upset.  
  
As Trio of stuff wonder blindly around evil corporation building, they find crazy Scientist man (He crazy!) who they follow into secret laboratory. Inside, Cloud guy peek into tank and see something that make him scream scream scream like finding out that horrible Black Widow spider lives in the back of your car(And it does!~Silver Neko). After reviving Cloud guy with the lure of Boob chick's boobs of bouncy goodness, the 3 thingies run into next lab and see Flower girl and Red cat (Also known as Kimahri Jr ^0^ Ohohoh!) who am THIS close to forced mating. Kimahri would buy THAT for a dollar!  
  
Cloud guy and others bust Flower girl out of tube. Flower girl squeal with delight. Flower girl glomp onto Cloud guy's torso. She squeeze his no no place(His booty) right in font of Boob chick. Oh the hilarity that ensued. Crazy scientist man(He so crazy!) not amused. He being cornered by angry, angry Red cat with disturbingly good English. He have better Grammar than Kimahri. Sniff. Crazy scientist man(With craziness!) send robot monster on....group...uh...of.....hero people. Monster try his gosh darn best to make the hero people not alive, but he fail.  
  
Just as hero people about to victoriously flee, Jerk man #2 and #3 catch 'em and take to President evil man of evil corporation. Ooooo! President evil stupidly tells bound and gagged hero persons about the "Ancients" or even more fancy name: Cetra. He say that he gunna use Flower girl to get to Promised land full of Mako juice. He then laugh for half hour while hero people am forced to watch. He SO evil. He then have them sent to cells with no dinner. In jail, every one whine about stuff and Red cat cry about his grandpa while Gun man laugh at the concept of Red cat having a grandpa. Gun man so mean. Cloud guy, tired from the thing know as "Existence", decide to take well deserved nap.   
  
After long nap of Doom, Cloud guy get up and depressedly lean against the cold door of cell. Well what do Kimahri know? Door am open! Cloud guy get out and take key for other cells from cold hands of dead guard. That spook him a bit, and he pretty hard to spook! He free others and they find lab men all dead and thingy in tank am gone like Cloud guy's will to live. They then merrily follow trail of blood to President Evil's office. Whoop! It seem he dead! Cloud guy announce that Spooky dude has done the killy to evil dead guy. Outside of office, on roof, President evil's son, "President bum" land fancy helicopter on roof and announce that now he am leader of evil corporation. Then, from somewhere far away, an old man's voice scream, "Why gawd?! WHYYY!?" There then an uncomfortable silence.   
  
Cloud guy the scream at everyone to go away. He want to kill bum child of evil president. They am happy to comply. Hero persons (Minus Cloud guy) flee to elevator. But oh no for them! Bad robot thing try to kill them! But hah! They kill first! Happy dance! Cloud guy and President Bum am having heated discussion of why President bum sucks and that Cloud guy can't let him or Spooky dude have Promised land. This anger President bum GREATLY! He pull put Poke ball and call on evil doggie to kill! But Cloud guy kill doggie first! Bum child then do like his dead papa and escape on helicopter with free peanuts. It then that Cloud guy realize that he no have eat, drink or pee pee for at least 2 days, and he feel fine. This somehow bother Cloud guy.  
  
Cloud guy meet team in lobby. They then steal display truck and fancy new model motorcycle that not available to public until next year. NO DUE 'TIL NEXT YEAR! Can they no read?! Anyway, hero's escape onto strangely deserted highway. Poop! They being pursued by evil corporation motorcycle men! But thanks to Cloud guy's big ass sword of JUSTICE, evil bikers am driven off side of road to explode in fiery vengeance. At dead end of road, bad robot thingy guy attack, but it am failure like others who try to kill unlikely group of heroes. After magical talky, Cloud guy announce that he going to travel world to make Spooky dude dead. Of course Flower girl will follow poor Cloud guy to heck and back, so he stuck with her. And Gun man am wanted man in Midgar, so he decide to come and help save planet and stop sea pollution. AND Boob chick, like Flower girl, wants to make Cloud guy her personal Bishounen Koneko of love, so OF COURSE she coming too. It truly am the true start of this horrible journey of DOOM and STUFF! Please kill Kimahri now. We only 1% into story. Kimahri hurts all over."  
  
~Kimahri feels my pain. I am GOING to finish this! No matter how LAZY I am, and no matter how much school wants to suck out my will to write, and no matter how much Kingdom Hearts and Animal Crossing want me to pay attention to them, and no matter how much I'm DYING to write a Kingdom Hearts Kimahri fic (Oh how easy it is to make jokes about that game), and no matter how much my belly wants me to feed it, I'M GOING TO DO EET! I'm going to finish this! Why does it seem that FF 10, 9 and 8 have shorter plots? Is it because...of.....oh sweet monkey I'm tired. I gunna go rot in front of da TV now. Teeeveeee.....~Silver Neko, curse Kingdom Hearts and its catchy jingles! 


	5. Red Cat bites you

KIMAHRI'S MAGICAL TALE OF VII  
  
~Glah. This story sucks my innards and turns it into a creamy past. A past of PAIN. I think I might need a few more positive reviews to give me the URGE to continue. I sound like the Cookie monster, "Feed me cookies or I will DIE." Teehee. Its funny because its true. On another note, Kingdom Hearts, you win this round! I'm going to cave in and write a Kimahri KH fic now, along with this one. I feel that I'll get the KH one done faster because its just SO easy to make jokes about that game. With VII, I have to scratch my licey scalp in deep thought on how to make Vincent funny and witty without angering those rabid yoai fangirls....even though I'm one too(YAY FOR ME!). So if you want to read about Key Boy(Sora) and Duck and Dog(You know who I'm talking about, unless you don't.) then go to the Kingdom Hearts category and gorge yourself on Kimahri goodness. Whee.~Silver Neko, won't shut up about Kingdom Hearts  
  
"Ow, Kimahri mouth hurt. Get ready for more hurt, mouth. SO, Cloud Guy, Gun Man, Boob Chick, Flower Girl and Red Cat(Kimahri Jr!) walk walk walk for long time until they reach town of Kalm(Teehee, that play on words! Kalm: Calm. THAT SO CLEVER!). They go into Inn and then force Cloud guy into corner and demand life story out of him and how he know Spooky Dude. Cloud guy try to hold breath until he die but Boob chick then grab no no place(The BAD no no place, not the good one). Naughty Boob chick! This, of course, make Cloud guy inhale and foil planes for escape from this mortal coil. Haha! So Cloud guy put on pouty face and angrily tell story of sad, sad life. YAY!  
  
Cloud guy say how when he SOLDIER, he and Spooky dude were on way to see what wrong with Mako pumpy machine in Cloud guy's hometown. On way they fight dragon who then die. Kimahri think Spooky dude have neat sword. IT ROCK! Anyway, when they get to Cloud guy's home, first thing Cloud guy do am go to Boob chick's home and steal panties. He smile with triumph. Cloud guy then snapped out of flashback by enraged Boob chick. RAGE! Then back to flashback. Cloud then(With panties safely tucked into pocket) head over to his house and talk to his moma. Awww. He go all around neighborhood and bother everyone. Uh oh! There am seem to be holes in Cloud guy's memory. Whack him! Next day, the TEAM meet up with Boob chick in HAT(She their guide through Mako pumpy of doom) and get picture taken. Awww. Picture am...something.  
  
On way up bridge to Reactor, oh no! Snap for you! Bridge break! All fall down. On way back up, TEAM find "Naturally formed Materia" and then there am talky about Materia and Ancients. Blah. Spooky dude and Cloud guy go into Reactor and find many tubs of monster things. These am failures of Crazy scientist man's (He SO crazy!) horrible experiments. Out of NOWHERE, Spooky dude suddenly think maybe HE am also experiment of doom. Cloud guy just stare silently, brain not yet registering what the hell Spooky dude am talking about. Spooky dude then run out of Reactor, crying like teenage boy who's subscription to Playboy run out. Sniff. On impulse, Cloud guy decide to go to EVIL CORPORATION mansion, conveniently located next to Cloud guy's house.  
  
Inside and down long cave of musty things, Cloud guy find Spooky dude in library of doom, reading about his mommy: Spooky Mommy. She am organism who am 2000 year old and then found by EVIL CORPORATION. She am thought to be an Ancient. He find out that they use her cells to make him, thus making Spooky dude an Ancient as well. There then some more stuff....uh...Kimahri no like using big words that describe horrible scientific experimenting with meat. Here short lazy version: What Spooky dude read make him go crazy in brain muscles. He destroy Cloud guy's town with fire produced from pure ANGST and kill all the townies, including Boob chick's and Cloud guy's parents. Awwww, wait...no. That bad. He then head back to Mako Reactor to free his Spooky momma from its bowels. On way, he do fun activities like stab Boob chick who am trying to avenge papa and also sing "A friend like me". Inside Reactor, he finally see his momma (She even more spooky then him!). Cloud guy leap at Spooky dude stupidly and then proceed to get stabbed in gut. After that, Cloud guy no remember nothing. This confuzzle him to no end.  
  
Anyway, in Kalm town, the Heroes sneak up on multiple unsuspecting townsfolk and bombard them with questions about Spooky dude. They also barge into houses and take anything that am not nailed or bolted down. The children are traumatized! One spooked townsperson say he see Spooky dude heading East to grassy field of innocent Bunnies. NOT THE BUNNIES! The heroes flee to the field, but there am no Spooky dude....or Bunnies. WHYYYY?! Sooo....the party then decide that Spooky dude must am of gone to Mythril mine, but there horrible Midgar Zolom snake in water in front of mine, waiting to gobble up little girl taking goodies to Granny! And groups of unlikely heroes on an adventure! So Flower girl drag group to Chocobo Ranch. LOOK AT DE CUTE CHOCOBO! SO KWET! KAWI! OTHER WORDS FOR ADORABLE THINGS! When Cloud guy glare at prancing Chocobos, envying their carefree antics, they do a dance! DANCING LIKE A MONKEY! Then they spit up groups first Summon Materia: "Chocobo with Kamikaze Moogle who don't do nothing right and then Chocobo have to save him from horrible doom." They the shame of all Summons there ever am.  
  
Choco Bill, man who own Ranch(It must be sad to have name be "Choco". So very sad.), say that he see Spooky dude cross marsh without being inhaled by large death snake. The only way for NORMAL person to get across am by Chocobo. He sell Cloud guy "Chocobo Lure" Materia, "Greens" bird food and make Cloud man and friends go out into field and chase after large birdies. WILL CLOUD GUY AND OTHERS GET BIRD?! Yes. Yes they do. So all of heroes climb onto fragile spine of hapless Chocobo and ride across marsh, away from snake. Gun man give slow stupid snake finger. On other side, Red Cat then eat Chocobo because it have outlived usefulness. Whee! Party then find other Zolom snake impaled on sharpened tree. Spooky dude is spoooooky.  
  
In Mine, team run into Jerk man #2, #3 and Jerk chick. Jerk men and chick am looking for Spooky dude too. Jerk chick accidentally say that Spooky dude eez heading for Junon harbor. Jerk men yell at her and she very sorry. They then leave as oddly as they come. Out of mine, Heroes pass by Condor fort, but that place don't come until much much later in horrible tale of things. ANYWAY! While roaming about forest, hopelessly lost thanks to Flower Girl's sense of direction, team get attacked by Ninja Thief Girl. NINJA THIEF GIRL ATTACK,WAI! Team easily pummel her. When Ninja Thief girl am mass of pain, laying on ground, Cloud guy slooowly approach her. Though lure of save point am very great, Cloud guy know he no should take eyes off of Ninja or she steal his wallet.   
  
He wake her up and she go, "You am jerk with bad hair! Ah keel you! We fight now!" and Cloud guy go, "Nah." and she go, "You very very scared of me, yes?!" and Cloud guy say, "Me am very scared of you. Stop staring at my crotch." and she turn around and take and few steps, but then she whip around and scream, "I really am departing! REALLY!" and Cloud guy like, "Wait! No leave me with these crazy people who grope me while I sleep!" and she all like, "You want me to staaay? With yoooou?" she have big watery eyes that can only mean one thing: She luv Cloud guy and want to him to be her Samurai and she be his Butterfly. In less poetic talky: She want to tie him to bed and violate him repeatedly. Cloud guy say, "That right! help us fight the evil and junk! I need food!" and she squeal with perverted girlish glee and say, "Yes! Me go with you and love you long time!" Cloud guy then silently stare at frightening Ninja Thief girl and realize horrible mistake he make. Silly Cloud guy, always getting into wacky shenanigans. Flower Girl and Boob chick silently glare at new predator for Cloud guy. Cloud guy then say, "Lets hurry to harbor before we all die from monster poison." And hurry they am did."   
  
~That last part was fun to write. I love Samurai Jack! The one with the swords, and the guy, and then the thing, that rocked! An-ee-way, I hear they might not release FF 11 in America. That would suck like living with my Aunt would. I also want that newer version of FF 1 and 2 that they gunna release in Japan. Curse them and their bountiful fortune. Curse 'em I sez. I 'don wanna learn how to read Japanese. Me so lazy. Eeeee. I'm going to go work on the KH fic now. APPLAUSE DAMN YOU!~Silver Neko, really wants to see Spirited away 


	6. Dark Dude shoots you

KIMAHRI'S MAGICAL TALE OF VII  
  
~First things first: Bees are NOT affectionate. They are evil aggressive MONSTERS who will hunt you down and pollinate your corpse. Its SO true. So now I give you more happy story time with Kimahri. Dance with appreciation!~Silver Neko, the sleepy doorknob must DIE!  
  
"SO FINALLY! Team of guys and gals am reach place called Junon. Cloud Guy's agonized head is angry at Cloud guy for bringing naughty, Materia stealing and ass grabbing Ninja Thief girl along. Flower Girl and Boob chick am annoyed at Ninja female who am trying to steal their toy. Gun man am anxious for toilet. Red Cat am feeling bloated from eating so many babies. Hahaha, Kimahri are so clever. In small town at base of bad Junon place, team buy stuff for AMAZING ADVENTURE! Kimahri am going to use fancy word now, apathetic! Cloud guy am apathetic! Apathetic Cloud guy stroll down to horribly polluted beach by town and find cute 'lil girl playing with friend "Mr. Dolphin" THAT AM SO AWWWW!  
  
But gasp! Gasp again! It am Bottomswell! Bad, unclean fishy who eat little girls! Cloud Guy whack de fish until it become embarrassed for being Whacked by a guy. Kimahri can make ANYTHING sound dirty! So fish then die in cascade of guts. Yay! But gasp! Little girl am not breathing. Cloud guy then do CPR on little thingy. Yay. Cloud Monster save the day! Cloud Dude take little girl home and all is happy. Happy until HEAD VOICES come and make Cloud Person have SEIZURE! LATER! Team of stupids find little girl at beach AGAIN with Mr. Dolphin. Aww. She then say, "Think fast!" and hit Cloud Guy in Beanbag with New Materia, "Shiva". Cloud guy bend over in misery. Cloud Guy no can feel lower half of body.  
  
Boob chick offers to kiss Cloud Guy's owie so he feel MUCH better, But Cloud guy just scream in frustration that he still alive. Hyperactive Little girl say that EVIL CORPORATION are throwing big parade for President BUM up on main part of Junon. Team of happy want to go up there and make him dead, but HOW? Mr. Dolphin to da rescue! He BOP Cloud Guy up to pole and rest of team heads off to find other way up, because Dolphins are icky. Cloud Jerk climb up to airport and run into insecure solders who am going ca ca for Coo coo Puffs while getting ready for President BUM. De peoples think Cloud Freak am one 'O them, so they force greatly angered Cloud Guy to don EVIL CORPORATION uniform. Cloud Guy cheers with pain.  
  
Soldier fools am greatly impressed with Cloud Guy's sword twirly actions, so they do it too with their shoddy guns. PARADE TIME! Lets just say, Cloud Guy no like Parades. Lets just say, if Cloud guy had power over time like Chrono Trigger Dude does, he would go back in time and kill person who invented parades. WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE! After HORRIBLE parade of DOOM, mass of hate and suffering that am Cloud Guy, run around and buy things and yell at children who laugh at his head. Yar! So spooky! When he head to boat that President BUM an gunna go in, Cloud guy and other STOOPID soldiers have to do happy dance with gun spinny at end. President Bum laughs like a child who has killed Santa Claus.   
  
Beep! On BOAT, Cloud Guy am hyper like kitten in dark room Whassat?! What?! What is it!? What?! MOVEMENT! Yes, if Kimahri could chose another way to describe Cloud Guy on boat, Kimahri would stick with Kitten in dark room. Boat am secretly filled with HEROES! YAY! DO ANYONE CARE?! NO! Hey! Alarm! Spooky Dude am must be here! How do heroes know dis? Boat am littered with dead bodies! Everyone know Spooky Dude do like his dead bodies good! In cargo hold, dey find da Spooky Dude! Kimahri makes a slow motion "Nooo" sound! So Spooky Dude make like convicted felon and flee, leaving chunk of his mommy behind to KEEL team DEAD! "AH KEEL OOO DED!" she announce! But heroes am the victory machines!  
  
So boat that am devoid of life arrive in da purdy place with many Coconuts(That am do apply to many things here. Teehee!) In place of shiny stuff, Red Cat peacefully snooze in shade, snooze until horrible childrens hit him in face with angry soccer ball! RARG! IT TIME FOR NUM NUMS MADE FROM HUMAN CHILDS! Then it snooze time again. Ninja Thief Girl have part time job at "Crap you are compelled to own" shack. Buy da crap! You needs it! Oh! It am Crazy scientist man(He such crazy man!) on beach! He am enjoying self GREATLY! Why do story have so many exclamation marks? Huh? HUH?! Crazy scientist man(He is da crazy!) does not want to make with the talky, so Cloud Guy am ready to MAKE him want to make da talk with words. Crazy scientist man(With unpredictable crazy!) say he no know nothing! Please no stab! Finally, team am able to drag dedicated to kill things Cloud Guy away from disturbed but still oh so crazy, Crazy Scientist Man(Supa Crazee!) with craziness!   
  
So team of VERY LITTLE SLEEP go for sleepy at hotel. Because they am SO poor, team am forced to share room and bed. Cloud Guy sings with hysterical negative fear. So there am shirtless Cloud Guy: in bed with Red Cat cutting off circulation to legs because he am laying on Cloud Guy's legs, Gun man loudly snoring UNDER bed for some reason, Flower Girl cuddled up to Cloud Guy's side, exhausted from arguing with Cloud guy for why he no want to do her. Boob Chick am cuddled up to other side of Cloud Guy, also tired because she am was screaming at Flower girl that Cloud guy am HER obedient LUV SQUISHY! Ninja Thief Girl am laying ON Cloud guy with arms around torso. She tired because while Flower Girl and Boob chick am yelling at each other, she catch Cloud Guy off guard and kiss him with PASSION! Cloud Guy them throw her off himself and out window. Cloud Guy then brush teeth for an hour.   
  
~Silver Neko talking now. So imagine this picture in your brain meats: Wide eyed Cloud anchored down by three sleeping, evil, horrible horny, hormone driven females, with a large cougar like cat laying on his legs so that he has no feeling in them, with a smelly large man under the bed snoring like a thing that snores. He can't move, he can JUST barely breath and he has to pee with a VENGEANCE! Imagine this picture. Imagine this picture GOOD.~  
  
Cloud guy stair at ceiling and whimper, "Why won't I die?"  
  
SO NEXT DAY! Team and sleep deprived Cloud Guy head 'fo Corel Mountain. Dey pass by Mako reactor and find old roller coaster tracks...or am they railroad tracks? KIMAHRI NO CARE! Along tracks, Cloud Guy fall to his doom AGAIN, but he get over it. Along way, team run into birdy nest on top of treasure chest. AWWW! The team goes, "Aww! Thems birds!" But Cloud Guy want life saving items IN chest. So much to dismay of team mates, Cloud guy pick up bird nest with floofy little birds, and HURL it at wall. Cloud guy laughs with evil laughter for senseless destruction! But then angry bird momma come and peck Cloud guy's skull until it reach warm squishy interior of brains. YAY FOR KARMA!  
  
Finally, thanks to healing goodness of Flower girl to Cloud guy's birdy pecked skull, team of RANDOM HAPPY reach new and exciting place! It are Gun man's hometown: Nasty hole in the ground. Kimahri think it have other name but Kimahri feels that dat you no need to know. In town, every one am cold like chunk of ice toward Gun man. It then that Gun man decide to tell horrible story of life to team of THINGS! Whee.  
  
Once upon time, Nasty hole in the ground am once coal mining town that not nasty. Evil Corporation want to build Mako sucky suck reactor here. Gun man(When he had hand instead of doom gun) see that no one want coal anymore and dat Mako am way of the future. Yay! Future! Gun man try to explain to peoples of town that Mako is GOOD thing! Gun man's pal don't like idea of Mako sucky, but Gun man finally convince town to let Evil corporation build thing. One day, much later, Gun man and pal come back home from out of town beer festival only to find town burning like Goomba who been hit with fire ball from palm of plump Plummer man. Mamma mia!  
  
Evil corporation say that town have been smashing Mako reactor so they must BURN. Ow! Gun man and pal get shot by stuff! Pal falls off cliff and Gun man assume he no survive horrible smashy at bottom. Gun man find that him's wife am dead and Pal's wife am dead. But looky! Pal's little girl am still alive. Awww. So Gun man take girl with him to evil, evil city of Midgar where he have useless rotting arm replaced with neat wow funky gun. Awww. That explain SO much! Now Kimahri understand why Gun man's daughter am no African American! Kimahri smart now momma!   
  
So then Silly stupid team of persons get on happy rope train and head for HAPPY SHINY PLACE! WAI! Cloud Guy secretly hope they no run into no robots up in the place. Cloud Guy fears the robots. FEARS 'EM! Wait. No. Replace "Fear" with hate. Hate because robots are annoying and they try to be accepted into society but always fail. Robot just want luv, but he no get it! MWAHAHAHA....wait. What this have to so with anything? Glah. Kimahri need to use sandbox."  
  
~Whoo. School is always a fresh new hell. And everyone is a snooty Bitch or Bastard made of MEAT. Yay. I FINALLY go this chappy done! Now me gotta get a new chap for da KH fic done. Curse you homework. Curse you I says.~Silver Neko, why won't she die? 


	7. Cid Man yells at you

KIMAHRI'S MAGICAL TALE OF VII  
  
~Whoo! I got ta see Spirited Away! Yay! Yay for me and my selfish ways! I would think that all of YOU: THE PEOPLE, already know about that sequel to Final Fantasy X that the peoples are making. "Another Lord" or some cleaver name like that. AN-EE-WAY! If they release it here(And we all know they will) then you know what THAT means, don't ya? YES! It means I'll be able to write another REAL Kimahri fic with Kimahri talking about HIS OWN, not others, traumatic experiences! ISN'T THAT SUPER! You all cheer like the Children who's group effort to assassinate Santa succeeded, don't you?~Silver Neko, she likes to watch Samurai Jack!  
  
"Kimahri am here again. Yesh. Here to make with the talky. The talky of peoples. Peoples who make with the adventures. Whee. Fooby. So in shiny party place, first thing Cloud Guy must be doing are pay big money for all day pass into super fun time place. Cloud Guy silently wish he remember to bring explosives. There so much to do! Everyone want to do stuff!  
  
"I wanna go to zee Arcade!" announces Gun man.   
  
"I wish to EAT FOOD!" sings Red Cat.  
  
"Oooh! I'm gunna Gamble at the Chocobo race!" exclaims Ninja Thief Girl.  
  
"I'm going on the Roller coaster shooty thing!" screams Boob Chick.  
  
"I shall buy cheaply made plushies at the gift shop! Whee!" squeals Flower Girl.  
  
Team darts off in separate directions, leaving Cloud Guy by Cloud Guy's self. CLOUD GUY DANCING LIKE NEVER BEFORE! Teehee! So Cloud Guy head deep into bowels of horrible amusement park(Which holds no amusement for Kimahri) and runs into owner of cash inhaling tourist trap: MAN IN TIGHT RED UNDERWEAR! Cloud Guy SCREAMING like never before! Man in TIGHT THINGY say dat he saw SPOOKY DUDE running about, asking about BLACK MATERIA! Yay! Kimahri lives for plot development!  
  
So Cloud Guy, filled with giddy glee for finding new info on poopy Spooky Dude, trudges merrily to OTHER part of Gold Plate, only to run into....THAT GIRL(Duh duh duh dun duh DUH!) .....wait, Kimahri apologizes because Kimahri's mind am was trapped in other story. Cloud Guy REALLY slam into FLOWER GIRL!(Duh duh duh dun duh DUH!) Teehee!  
  
"Teehee! Look at my new worthless stuffed toys! CARRY ZEM FO MEEE!" Flower Girl bellows as she fling tidal wave of colorful stuffed doom upon hapless Cloud Person. Yay for no breathing through barrier of stuffed toys! In flurry of burning, Cloud Guy set pile of stuffed evil aflame with only power of Cloud Guy's sheer hate. What happen then? Do Flower girl weep at loss of beloved stuffed assassins? Do Flower Girl truly see Cloud Guy for horrible jerk Cloud Guy am? Do she NO LOVE HIM NO MORE?  
  
"OMG DATS SO SEXAH DA WAY OOO BURNED CUTE THINGS DED! I MUST LUV YA BOOTY NOW!" Flower Girl screeches as she pounce at Cloud Guy in hormone driven passion, dedicated to do him right there in front of zee already terrified and confused children and peoples walking by. Close up on Cloud Guy as he make silent screaming face!  
  
Cloud Guy would have been "Loved" right der and then, if not for STUPID KAT suddenly appearing in front of Cloud Thing. Flower Girl no can react in time and plunge into fatness of Moogle that STUPID KAT am riding on. The Fatness swallow her! There am silence as Flower Girl's feet disappear into fat rolls of Moogle. STUPID KAT suddenly look very guilty.   
  
SUDDENLY! Flower Girl's fists emerge from blubber! Triumphant moozic swells! Flower Girl climb out of fat to FREEDOM! Cloud Guy sighs, he know it too good to be true. STUPID KAT decides to celebrate escape from Moogle's buttery rolls by giving Flower Girl and Cloud Guy free fortune telling. Whoo.  
  
"You will soon be betrayed by a fluffy comrade." Stupid Kat reads, then goes into shifty/guilty mode while nervously yanking out handfuls of Moogle fluff from Moogle perch. Cloud Guy mutter something about how he never did trust animals that do the talky. Flower Girl doesn't think Red Cat would no yes betray them! Stupid Kat sighs in relief at 2 meaty HU-MONS stupid.  
  
Kat of STUPID decide to follow 2 persons to see if "fortune" come true, out of curious brain curiosity(Which kills thousands of cats each year) of course.   
  
"Whee! There's no harm in that! YOU SO CUTE!" Flower Girl says, louder then am necessary. Cloud Guy silently vows to fling Stupid Kat off next roller coaster Cloud Guy ride. So 3 things head for BATTLE SQUARE where they find DEAD GUYS. All over am dead people. One say that man with GUN for ARM am the do of this! Why, Gun Man? WHY? Team meet up and Gun man whine that he no do it! Poop! It man in tight red underwear! He say dat GUN MAN 'N PALS am bad and flush 'em down to bad place. Whoohoo!  
  
So team am stuck in prison below happy place. It am filled with steal people and kill people. Gun man tell people that in truth, Gun man's pal who he say die in burning of Gun man's home, really actually survive and have Gun arm of own. Gun man must find pal and shoot his head. THEN...Gun Man find Pal! Pal sing that he gunna KEEL everything!   
  
BATTLE!  
  
After Battle, Gun Man get shiny thing from Pal. Then Pal leap to his doom. Kimahri am confused and depressed. NEXT DAY! Team, still in jail, visit guy who can help 'em leave da bad place. Guy no want to help, but Red Cat MAKE him want to help GOOD. All Cloud Guy have to do is win Chocobo race and all am good. But Problem!? Chocobo no want cooperate! Cloud Guy LOSE! New Chocobo! This one bite Cloud Guy's head! Ow with glee! NEW CHOCOBO! Yay! This one juuuust right! Cloud Guy win horrible race of colors! He ALSO find Summon Materia of "Ramuh" Whee!  
  
So peoples of love and glee am freed and am given free car to ride from Man in da underwear! He ALSO say that after killing all animals in petting Zoo, Spooky Dude head for place called Gongaga! Off goes team of 2 guys, 3 girls, STUPID KAT who am LEACH and Red Cat! So the things ride ride ride until they reach Gongaga place and run into DA JERK MEN AND JERK WOMAN! TIME FOR FIGHT! Fight! Fight over! Whee! Jerks and Jerk Chick flee! But HOW Jerks know where team am was? HOW?! No one pay attention to Stupid Kat's dance of shifty guilt!  
  
Team do da following of Jerks to run down Mako reactor. It seem they am looking for "Huge Materia" of largeness! Then Jerks leave to torment children with candy, because they Jerks! Team find 'nother Summon Materia! "Titan" is man with panty wearing goodness who SMASH YOU! In Gongaga town, peoples see dat Cloud Guy is SOLDIER! They ask if he know man named ZACK! Flower Girl gasp because that am named of first Guy she ever "loved" and she wonder, now that she think of it, where he am? Cloud Guy flinches. Not because of what Flower Girl just say, but BECAUSE! Ooooh! You am impressed with Kimahri's writing skills! Whoohoo!  
  
So team hop in car again and drive drive drive until they pass in front of canyon and car EXPLODE in mass of sharp metal and glass with burning! Yay for no insurance! CONVENIENCE! It am Red Cat's home! Gasp! It seem Red Cat's name am REALLY Nanaki! Red Cat/Nanaki run about, filled with Red Cat glee at being home! Everyone so happy! Cloud Guy still have scars from the glee!  
  
While random man decide to fix car(Or what left of eet) for da Whiners, Red Cat makes everyone meet Red Cat's Grandpa: Floaty Guy. Floaty Guy put on big fancy show of how Planet am delicate and that EVIL CORPORATION am ruining Planet's happy! Kimahri likes da pretty lights! Later, team have happy campfire and roast MEAT over fire. Gun man fears the fire! YAY FOR RUNNING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTION AND RUNNING OFF CLIFF! Whee!   
  
Red Cat talk about Red Cat's momma and papa and how papa abandon momma when monsters attack canyon. Red Cat am ASHAMED of neglectful daddy. Red Cat then demands all to follow Red Cat! To CAVE! Grandpa Floaty say to follow him to special thing! Through cave! Ghosts! BIG GHOST! Yay! It die! Outside Cave, Grandpa Floaty show Red Cat that Red Cat's papa actually leave to guard canyon from bad things, but he get shot by arrow that turn him to ROCK and he stuck there. Red Cat PROUD of Poppa again! Tee....hee. Kimahri running out of glee.  
  
Later, when car am amazingly put back together and team of people and KAT WHO AM STUPID, am about to leave, Red Cat run to pals and say dat Grandpa WHO FLOATS want Red Cat to go with pals and help save world. Awwww! AND SO! Team head for next place: CLOUD GUY'S HOME TOWN!  
  
DUH DUH DUH!  
  
Waaaiiiit, now Kimahri may be much not smart like a Boy who am Blond and from 1000 years ago, but Kimahri could swear dat Cloud Guy say that Cloud Guy's town am was burned down by bad, bad Spooky Dude. But hey hey hey! Town am perfect with no burning! Whee? Everyone in town SAY that nothing with burning no ever happen, but Cloud Guy am suspicious!   
  
WILL Cloud Guy find out what am happening in town? WILL Boob Chick remember stuff also? WILL Flower Girl ever DO Cloud Guy? WILL Gun man ever wear shirt? WILL Red Cat ever lose virginity if he last member of species?! WILL Ninja Thief Girl steal Cloud Guy and make him into personal pet of luv?! WILL STUPID KAT BETRAY COMRADES BECAUSE IT NEAT TO BETRAY PALS?! YAR! Suspense am exploding Kimahri's head with gravity!"  
  
~Yay! I am the dancing Hippo who dances like a drunken Hippo on Halloween! FEAR MY MASS! Now all is well! Yay! I need to stop saying Yay SO badly. Aw, I still have 200 hours worth of storyline to write. Sniff. At least Kingdom Hearts ain't dat long. Whee. I will eat CANDY NOW!~Silver Neko, but what about the CANDY?! 


End file.
